Thank You!

I wanted to pop in and say thank you to each and every one of you that took the time out of your day to write me such nice words of hope and encouragement regarding my last post. It really is so encouraging to know that there are good people out there who are genuinely concerned about someone that is a perfect stranger to them. I am grateful. 

It may be hot as ever here in San Diego but you can bet that I'm dancing in the metaphorical rain!

The Long Overdue Post About Cancer

I've sat down to write this post countless times and each time I've deleted everything and walked away from my computer. Perhaps because when I do finally post this it becomes real. It means that I've finally typed it out in black and white and sent it out into the interwebs for all to read and know that I have cancer. Admitting it to myself has been the hardest part. I still don't think I'm quite there, but I'm getting closer. Maybe this will help...
On April 2, 2012 my day started out like any other. In fact, it was better than most! Iris and I had a fun morning browsing the thrift stores and then we met up with my husband for lunch (which almost never happens because of his busy work schedule). I headed to the hospital to have the staples removed from the biopsy that was done the week before. I took my seat in the waiting room and was browsing through a recipe book when my doctor came in to the waiting room to call back the patient that was before me. I smiled and we made eye contact and immediately I knew something was wrong. I could just feel it. When it was finally my turn to head back we made small talk about the weather while she removed the staples and said that my scar had healed nicely. She told me they got the biopsy results and that they weren't quite what they had expected. Turns out that it was cancer and a very rare type at that. She handed me a small piece of paper with the technical term written on it Dermatofibrosarcoma protuberans. DFSP for short. In a very short time I was given a lot of information. Not everything stuck with me. All I pretty much remember hearing is Cancer. One in a million. Infertility. Chemo. Radiation. Surgery. Wig. Locks of Love. MRI.

(Left to right) 1.Welcome to cancer! Let the blood testing begin.  2.My new favorite word.  3.Pills and pills and more pills. 4. Prep for 6 more biopsies = 22 stitches.

The doctor then outlined the entire perimeter of my now tumor (I had always just referred to it as a bump) with a purple pen and took several photos and sent me on my way. I wasn't sad or scared at all at first. It was literally like the news just breezed right through me. I thought about calling my husband to tell him but knew that he would never take me seriously over the phone (I'm kind of a jokester!) so I drove home and told him face to face. He cried. And then I cried. I cried because the only thing that really registered with me was that the doctors had told me we had to stop trying for our second child and it was something we both wanted so desperately.

The next few days were a blur. I didn't want to do anything or go anywhere or tell anyone. The best way I can describe it is that I felt heavy. Heavy hearted. Doctors called, appointments were made and family came over. And of course we Googled. And I cried a lot and just marinated in each and every moment I had with Iris because no one could tell me how bad this cancer was just yet.

 1.Bald mannequins in a store window. Who needs hair anyway?! 2. Sunsets with my girl make the day better.  3.My right ovary. 4. Prep for egg retrieval surgery.

Things started to get rolling and I met with several specialists and doctors and surgeons and dermatologists and I was even put up on a hospital board where doctors from all over San Diego came to meet me and review my case and try to brainstorm the best way to approach this. It was all so overwhelming and surreal. I heard what each of them were saying, I was right there in the same room, but it never really felt like they were talking about me. Eventually it was decided that the place I could get the best care would be in Houston, Texas at MD Anderson Cancer Center. I hated that idea. I've never left my baby overnight and the thought of leaving her for a week to go meet with doctors was awful to me. But I did it. I also went through emergency egg retrieval and all the fun (not!) that goes along with infertility, like hormone injections and countless ultrasounds. 

My local doctors had pretty much prepared me for the worst. They said that I could expect to be put on chemotherapy and to lose my hair. To expect some sort of surgery, worst case being the entire left side of my head and possibly some of my skull. To expect a lengthy recovery period and an entire year before any cosmetic surgery would be considered. I appreciate their blunt honesty, I really do. But the words that I heard over and over are "It's going to be really hard to look at yourself in the mirror." And then I cried some more. Because I'm a girl and I care about things like that, and yes, I realize that in the grand scheme of things looks aren't really all that important when the rest of your life is on the line, but hearing all of this at one time was really overwhelming.

1. 4 months ago I didn't know what an Oncologist was, not it's my home away from home. 2. Hospital halls are always so eerie. 3. Leaving Houston. 4. Chemo in hand.

Long story short; yes, I went to Texas and I couldn't say enough good things about my experience there. The doctors at MD Anderson want to try to use surgery as the last option because of how severe it would be. It was in Texas that I was introduced to the scary world of radiation therapy and was told that it is in the future for me, but I can't think about that right now. Right now I focus on today and today I am on chemotherapy. A very mild version called Gleevec. It came with a long list of scary side effects and I've only been taking it for 2 weeks, but so far it's been pretty manageable. I am tired a lot (not sure if that's from the chemo or my very active 2 and a half year old) and I'm nauseous, especially when it's hot. And just recently I've developed a rash, which I'm told is normal, that itches like crazy and is not much to look at and is pretty much all over my body. (If you ever see me out, I swear it's not contagious!) but otherwise I'm doing well.
 There are days when I feel sorry for myself but they are very few and far between. I know that I am lucky. Lucky to have doctors working for me to find a cure for this. I am lucky that I can still hold my girl and kiss my husband. And walk, and talk and see and hear. I'm lucky that I have such a supportive family and an amazing best friend who put her life on hold back in Costa Rica and flew out to spend two weeks with me so that I could forget about cancer for awhile. And even though I dread taking it each day, I'm lucky that chemotherapy exists and that it is available to me. All of that is so much more than some silly reflection in a mirror.

This whole thing has been a huge reality check for me. My world before cancer was near perfect and I never even knew it.

A little side note: I'm back to blogging! I'm pretty excited about it even though I'm not quite sure which direction I want my blog to go in. I still love outfit posts and thrifting but they are very low on my list of priorities right now. In the meantime I'll be giving the blog a little facelift! I hope you all will continue to join me on this journey! One more thing...I apologize for all the iPhone/Instagram pics on this post but it really is the main way I take photographs these days. Follow me on Instagram @shestall

Dancing School

Two weeks ago Iris had her first dance class. I don't know who was more excited about it, her or me. Probably me! When I was little, about 4 years old, I desperately wanted to be a ballerina. My grandma taught ballet and would sometimes take me to class with her and she also made costumes for a ballet company. Beautiful, sparkly tutus were always hanging around in her living room and sewing room. One day I told her, "Grandma, I want to be a ballerina!" and do you know what she said? "You're going to be too tall to be a ballerina" and instead she gave me my first pair of tap shoes. (This was back in the day when leading ballerinas were only around 5'2", now they're almost all pushing 5'9") Anyway, I hated those tap shoes. I used to skid them up and down the sidewalk in front of her home making that horrid nails-on-a-chalkboard sound. As you can probably guess, I never got into tap or any other type of dancing for that matter. But I do still love all things ballerina! 

I've mentioned my crushed ballerina dreams story a few times to my mom, who feels awful, and has vowed to make up for it through Iris. So as soon as she hit two years old she was signed up for "dancing school" as she calls it. And this mama just beamed seeing her dressed in her little tutu and loving every minute of it. She loves all the little girls and refers to them as her "ballerina friends", which is just about the cutest thing ever. 

Friday nights in our home now hold the same excitement that Christmas Eve holds, because Saturday morning is dancing school and she's so giddy about it she can barely sleep! And if I'm going to be perfectly honest here, I'm always giddy about it too (but not in that weird Toddlers and Tiaras way)!

Linking up with The Paper Mama's photo challenge

An Update

Oh, hi there! I've been MIA for the past few weeks and I so miss this little blog of mine. I guess I should explain...
 Two weeks ago I had a minor surgery on my head to remove some bumps that I've had on my scalp for quite some time. This explains why there have not been any outfit posts. I had 4 staples in my head and couldn't wash my hair for a whole week (not pretty!). The doctors and myself all seemed to think the bumps would turn out to be cysts, no big deal, but I got the news on Monday that they are an extremely rare form of cancer. CANCER! It has taken a few days for the news to settle in and right now I'm in the works with my doctors to figure out the next best step. Chemo, surgery, or possibly both. And honestly, hearing this news wasn't the worst part for me. The worst part was hearing three different doctors tell me to stop trying to get pregnant (we've been trying for 5 months) as a pregnancy would be too difficult for my body to handle right now. So during this confusing and very stressful time I ask that you please keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers.

Hello Spring!

Don't you just love spring? I do! 

I've had all of my Easter decorations up for weeks now and of course I've already gathered up lots of goodies for Iris' Easter Basket, too! This year will be the first time she'll actually be able to participate in an Easter egg hunt and just to make sure she understands how it works we did a few practice ones in the backyard. I think she'll do just fine!

After a rainy weekend we're definitely glad to have some sunshine around here. Everything is so fresh and new looking that I can't seem to take enough photos. Hello Spring!

This Week In Thrift

I've had great luck thrifting this week and I owe it all to Spring Cleaning! Everyone's cleaning out their cluttered closets (me included!), which means that the thrift stores are just bursting with great finds.

Last summer I thrifted this sweet doll house with Iris in mind but to be completely honest, I've always wanted a doll house of my own to play with. I had big plans of fixing it up and setting it under the Christmas tree for her, but you know how things go when you have a toddler...one thing led to another and the little house got tucked away in the garage. Enter Spring Cleaning! I hauled it out and set it on my craft table where I would no longer be able to ignore it.

I know it's not much to look at but I saw it's potential right away. Honestly, the main reason I bought it is because it included 8 bags of furniture and accessories that were in fabulous condition- all for $20. 

First, I searched and searched for the perfect shade of "Dream House" blue and then lined the walls with scrapbook paper (actually, I didn't do that part, my husband did!). The kitchen is especially important to me because Iris picked out the paper herself, little pink hearts. 

I tossed around a few ideas as to what to do with the floors but in the end just painted them each a different color. I glued tiny fake flowers into the window boxes and gave the front door a makeover with a coat of lucky red paint. My husband also refashioned a roof for the little house which I think completes the whole thing, after all what's a house without a roof?!

Charming, isn't it? The listing would read:
A cute 2 bedroom, no bathroom, family style home with an eat-in kitchen and a spacious living room!

It took about a weeks worth of on again/off again work to finish but I love the end result. It's not too delicate, which is just perfect for little hands to be able to get in there and play. Now all we need is a family of dollhouse people to move in (their on the way from Amazon!)!

I smile every time I walk by it in Iris' room.

Leprechaun Lovers

In keeping with this month's theme over at Everybody Everywear (green), I decided to give you all a little sneak peek into what I'll be wearing this Saturday night. 

St. Patrick's Day is one of my favorite holidays to celebrate, what's not to love about wearing green and drinking green beer?!, but it's also our engagement anniversary (5 years!). We've got a babysitter set up to give these leprechaun lovers a night out on the town. I'm thinking a hearty Irish dinner and maybe a movie, followed up with a couple of shamrock shakes. Can't wait!!

How do you celebrate St. Patty's Day?

Dress: Thrifted 

Belt: Thrifted (Forever21)

Clutch: Thrifted (vintage)

Shoes: Payless

Watch: Target